Sunday, October 29, 2006

Pets should not have human names

Yesterday on the bus, a guy got on with his menacing looking dog - I'm not great on dog breeds but it looked like a staffordshire bull terrier to me. His dog was on a lead but it was going a bit mental, trying to jump on the person next to him on the bus.

To reprimand the dog, the owner barked: "Pack it in Dave!"

What? Dave? Is it just me, or is that a totally unacceptable name for a pet?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...Boy George

I was sat on the back row of the 149 with the seat immediately next to me empty and the one next to that occupied by this black guy. And before you throw you hands up about why I've described him as black, it's integral to the story, all right? To make this story easier to explain, I'm going to call him "Tone Deaf".

Anyway, so we stop at a bus stop in Shoreditch. Lots of people with a-symmetric haircuts get on and so does another black guy with this ENORMOUS bag. I'm going to call him "Mos Def" purely because it rhymes and therefore pleases my musical sensibilities. He decides to sit in the empty seat between us, much to the disgust of Tone Deaf, who tuts rather loudly and rolls his eyes. Big mistake.

Mos Def: "You got a problem blud?"
Tone Deaf: Silence
Mos Def: "I said, have you got a problem? Something seems to be displeasing you, right? Why are you so pissed, man?"
Tone Deaf:"Your bag is in the way".
I'm thinking, oh no. Don't answer back - he's about three times as big as you and could very easily kick the shit out of you without breaking a sweat.
Mos Def: "My bag? Look, I can put my bag wherever I want to put my bag, whether you like it or not. You get me?"
Tone Deaf: Silence
Mos Def in raised voice: "I said, do you get me?!"

OK, so by this stage I'm thinking, there is going to be a big showdown right next to me and I want to get the hell off this bus.

Tone Deaf squeaks: "Yes, I get you."
Mos Def: "Anyway man, we shouldn't be arguing. We should be on the same side. We are like brothers innit. We are the same - you and me. We got issues. Listen, we can be brothers. Sing with me. 'I shot the sheriff...'"

What're singing?!

Mos Def: "Come on bruv, sing me the next line. 'I shot the sheriff..."
Tone Deaf in mouse-like voice: "' didn't shoot the deputy....'?"
Mos Def: "That's right man. I like it. Do you know this one? 'Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon. You come and you go, you come and you goooo-ohhh."

The whole bus is in hysterics at this mad bloke singing at the top of his voice except one guy sitting in front of me who is not so happy. He's dressed in full Nigerian traditional dress and turns round and tuts.

Nigerian: "You have it wrong. There is no second 'you'." And he too begins to sing. "It goes, 'You come and go, you come and gooo-oh!'" (To be fair, this dude could really hold a note).
Mos Def: "Oh right, I never knew that. Thanks man. Come on everyone, sing it with me."

Stifled giggling from everyone.

Mos Def in menacing voice: "I said, SING IT WITH ME!"

Jesus, the back of the bus was terrified. What could we do? We had no choice and I was sat next to the guy. Before I knew it, we were all doing our best Boy George impressions so as not to get our heads kicked in. "Karma karma, karma, karma , karma, gold and green...."

I have never wanted London Bridge station to arrive so fast in my life....

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Freesheets

I was on the 149 the other day - funny that. Anyway, there were two teenage boys sitting in the seats beside me - they looked about 16, maybe 17 tops. One boy was reading a copy of thelondonpaper and says to his mate:

"Why's it called "thelondonpaper", then?", to which his friend replied: "It's cos of the London bombings innit."
"Oh yeah" says the first kid.

I'm sorry, what? Am I missing something here? How exactly does that response correspond to the question? My only explanation is that I mis-heard the question. Perhaps the first boy asked: "Why is the cohesion between the Muslim community and the rest of British society increasingly the cause of much debate particularly in our country's media?"
Or indeed, "Why has Trevor Phillips, head of the Commission for Racial Equality , or CRE for short, suggested that the term multiculturalism is now defunct?"

To which the friend replied: "It's cos of the London bombings innit."

Somehow, I don't think I mis-heard. If anyone can explain this bizarre response, I'd be ever so glad to know... thanks.